Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
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Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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