Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
