Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
