glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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