If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
