ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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