Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I am naked and annoyed.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
