Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
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Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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