I accidentally burped into my bong.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
