Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
