this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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