He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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