she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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