My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
