just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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