I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
you never un-have a 4some
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
