Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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