Will you blow on my dice?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
