Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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