your parents love me but you hate me
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
