We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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