Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
