I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
