the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
