i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
