Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
