hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
