Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
