got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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