I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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