I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
