You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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