tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
