Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
