and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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