I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
