had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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