I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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