I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
