You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
