Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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