Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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