I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
