How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
