why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
