I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize