Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
