i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
