my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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