I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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