Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I still have a little drunk in my system
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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