I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
