I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
