im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
