my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
